Today I was caught off guard and had to listen to a friend of mine vent about the girl he's fallen out of love with vs.the girl he's always loved and should of been with. I told my friend that I probably wasn't the right person to give him solid advice concerning love or what to do with it when it's not working. My statements must of gone right through one ear and out the other because I spent what seemed like the whole day talking about love and its many complexities.
Our conversation was basically about "The One That Got Away". You know, that special someone you let slip through your grasp. That relationship or connection with someone that you didn't capitalize on because the timing wasn't right. Or maybe you didn't say all the things you really felt when you needed to because your pride got in the way.
I told my friend a story about a girl I was dating many years ago from New York while I was in college. New York and I had been dating for a few years when I met another girl (I'll call her Teddy) from California. Teddy and I were just cool at first. I was very upfront and honest with Teddy about New York so there wouldn't be any east coast/west coast beef. Plus I wasn't out to cheat on New York. New York was a great person and I had respect for her.
Anyhow, as days passed and conversations extended into the twilight hours, Teddy and I grew closer. We started to hang out (secretly) off campus and we got to know each other on a personal level. Everything about Teddy (that I remember) was beautiful. From her face to her personality she was a real jewel! A treasure. Her conversation was intelligent, inspiring, and uplifting. She and I liked the same things. We ate the same foods and her words were like sweet melodies to my ears. Teddy maintained tremendous humbleness to be as gorgeous as she was too. She was born the perfect blend of African American and Italian heritage with caramel skin and radiant curly hair. Everywhere we'd go guys would try to hit on her or they would size her up and down as if she was on display. Even women would stare at her. She had that "it" factor. Sometimes I would just watch people zoom in on Teddy and think, "Why and the hell is she kicking it with me"? I tell ya, Teddy could of had anyone she wanted. Man or women...shorty was a star!
After about two months, things got really intense between Teddy and I. We were seeing each other more frequently and our feelings began to evolve. I knew something was going on inside of me when I would wake up each day with Teddy on my mind. Then I'd spend the rest of the day thinking about Teddy. When I'd close my eyes at night she would be my final thoughts. The feelings I had for her were more than lust. However, they were feelings I wasn't willing to define at the time. I told myself I wasn't in love because I felt like it was too early. I couldn't possibly love someone in a mere two months...no way Jose! That type of stuff only happens in the movies right? Wrong.
Seriously though, I knew I wasn't in love with New York (anymore) way before I met Teddy. I guess I was just going through the motions with New York and trying to make things work. After all, New York always had my back no matter what! I respected New York and I did love her but I was no longer in love with her. I just didn't know how to go about moving on without hurting a chosen few and things getting really complicated for me. Even if there hadn't been a Teddy, leaving New York would've been a difficult move because there were other people I loved involved. I couldn't figure out how to be happy for myself without causing a lot more damage all around me. It was deep sun.
One night Teddy asked me a question about New York that I apparently answered with so much honesty that Teddy decided to cut me off completely. This abrupt stop to our secret relationship left me totally sick! I felt like one of those mushy R&B songs that would come on V103. I can't sleep baby...I can't eat baby...I can't live baby...without you in my life...I just couldn't stop thinking about Teddy.
I knew I didn't want to lose Teddy but I understood her position on things and really couldn't fight her stand on everything. I mean, technically I was still dating New York and Teddy felt like she was wasting her time. In retrospect, I wish I would have told Teddy how much I cared and wanted to be with her. Instead I just let her slip away and I had to live with that regret for many years.
Sometimes I think about the people missing in my life and how I feel about them. I feel that retouching old loves is a way of understanding what we want and it helps us find our way to new ones. If I could do it all again I would use my heart and set my pride aside. I would tell Teddy after two months and a few days I was totally head over-heels for her. More importantly, I would have said, "I love you Teddy".
My point to my friend and this crazy story is, if you love someone don't be afraid to tell em'. Don't just let the one you love walk out of your life without telling them how you feel. You may never get a second chance to do so. When it's all said and done, good or bad, at least you know you said everything you needed to say to them. No regrets...Follow your heart!